Sexy Vegetables

WHEN CORN GOES BAD - IT'S A TRILLER CHILLER

You remember, we were so essscited ‘bout ol’ Tip and Toe Tomater? That was bad. Dis is even WO"RSE!

But dose tomatoes were all over, see . . .I mean it was all over for dose tomaters. Kitchen was a BIG mess down there after we got rid o’ dem tamaters! Ol' Tip and Toe.

An den somebody hadda aks, “wha hoppen to dat CORN? you know? Da one on da cobb?” So? I’m sayin. Dat dere ol' Corny- she da very same one was lying round da kitchen, waitin for dat big boy TOE to come back? She got older, and older. OOOOLD!

Den she kinda lost all hope. She was cryin’ in her piller and so dat her boy, Toe Tomatoe came on over “one last time” - WASTED, but charming, apparently. Probly. However, after dat, see,Toe never did come back even one more time to dat ol dame again. She got real bad for him, see. She was missin' that big boy. She got all in de bag. Really. An wasted! Uhhuh. ALLLLLL in de bag. Huh. Ugly, too, and her hair start fallin' out, her teeth were all brown and she looked, well, used, you know? Hmmmmm.

So, I'm sayin' is a good ting none of dem udder corns was around to see dat! She so wasted, when dey got her outta da dang bag, well. You could see it for yourself, but before I could go get her out of the cooler, she was gone. Really gone, man, not just sick, but GONE. Somebody’s destroyed all the evidence. I don’t know what to do. Can I just share this with you? That's zzacktly what ol' Toe woulda said. Now he's gone, I don't have ta worry, so here’s the rest of the story. It’s all I got so far.

An any how’s I had nuttin bedder to do - SO I - hey, I was gonna tell ya, It was my fault she ever met de one got her into de damn bag, so I had be du one hadda get her outta it. An boy was she ever a sorrrrry ol ting. An, even when she was outta da bag, she was STILL purty broke up over what dat old Toe T done to her.

And what is MORE! WHEN CORN GOES BAD - it is not, shall we say, a delectable essperience! Nosiree! Not much one can do with that ol wrinkled up mess. ‘Cept put her back in the bag, an hope the trashman isn’t as picky as some of us.

‘Course, now, I was never one to give up too soon on nobody, not even dat ol corny girl. She kept sayin’ “No, sis, don’t even bodder bout me. I’m a mess. Can’t you see DAT? I’m jus one ol wrinkled up broad corn waste. “ An she’d sniff and snuffle just like all corn do, and I’d keep calmin her down. Old baby. She’d get LOUD and start shoutin’ and all. "Come back TOE! Come back! I'll get a makeover!" Sh***t like that.

“shhhhhh, baby, das alllll right now. Don’t you worry none. I’ll find somethin for ya! I promise. I never done you bad, huh. No. Huh. Never done you bad, baby. Huh. “

But every damn time I lef her alone for one damn minute she’d be off hangin wid dos ol opera gals. No. I mean really. Opera! And they’d try to talk her into singin’ that crap. Sh’ man, she was all moonin’ over some dude or other, (who? Should I care? P. Domingo. Yeah.) hummin along. Den I’d go drag her outta dat bag, for sure! So I tried. I mean, I really tried. But Placido had a big hold on her. Dig. You gotta get him online somewhere. I could care less!

“You nuthin’ like dem ol’ opera gals. You never gonna make it on dat stage. I mean you more country, like me~ you could do it. Ya did it before, remember? Honey, baby? BEFORE you met dat bad tomater tried to take you away? Remember? Sis, you’re gonna be ok. Come on, get outta dat opera bag and be like you was. Real down home cool, ‘member? Country corn, mmm, best kind!”

An even if it was her last song, she did it. An she did it good. Can’t nobody take it away from us, never! I cry to think of it.

She MADE IT TO THE BIG TIME! The Gran’ Ol’ Opry is callin! Yeah. Any minute now, they's callin me back. An’ sincerely, I hope all you’s will remember her for her great sound an her way with the words on this her first, and last, hit “NEVER DONe YOU BAD, BABY!” (Available soon) wrote her own lyrics.

In the meantime there’s always J Martyn or well, John Martyn who may or may not get to you enough to make up for the fact that Hard Corn, the album, is gonna take a loong time to get out. Although, reportedly dead, Martyn lives on. You could lissen to him. I don’t unnerstan how he went so bad, but evidently it’s all there in the lyrics they tell me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOi_wxypeGc&feature=player_embedded http://www.johnmartyn.com/

Personally, I can’t say I really like him, but ol’ Hard Corn, she was almost completely over the opera jag she’d been on when she discovered him. Course I had nothin to do wit dat.

OR, if you’re thinking good ol’ Hard Corny, who, also by the way, hate to tell you, died right after she got out of the bag for the last time. Back in July. Everbody was still all upset over Michael an all, never even noticed her death. They said more about Farrah, than her. She was in the stew, too. Stupid tomatoes. It's bad what they'll do to corn. Everytime.

If “the media” had ever got hold of her!? So, fortunately, there are no more photos of her. She woulda broke the cameras. So glad I didn't barely know how to use a camera when she was still with us. You wouldna wanted to see that. An nobody’s gonna try to make a movie bout HER life! I do have a pin-up corn of her tho, in the can for you. The real Hard Corn original. She’s still in the can. Gone, but in the can. I mean, literlly, in the can. Can you see it?

Were you trilled? An, wasn’ it a chiller?

For awhile, when she was in the box, after she got outa that there bag? Wish I had the fotos. Somethin’ was wrong with thatn’ tho’, that there, Hard Corny, so its just as good if you remember her when she was still good ‘nuf for Toe.

Will let you know when “NEVER DONe YOU BAD, BABY” really hit’s the scene. We gotta get it past the censors, which would be easy, you'd think seein's how nobody's upset about some o that rabid rap scene. If it's COUNTRY, though its got a strict set a RULES<Dude! and this is the real, Hard Corny thing, so, I'll see what I can do.

'til then, remember. . . if it's country it's ? while there's a country, there'll be, ??? no, heck, forgettaboutit. If you got this far, I'm lucky u don wanna put me in the can with her . . .hehe